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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

My clips for sale store is OPEN


My clips for sale store is now open, and includes raw footage from a new film my myself and submissive v.

http://clips4sale.com/54469

More on jealousy and other women's insecurity


Interestingly enough, when you are the porn star, other women are constantly suspecting you of being a seductress. When you go to cocktail parties, and a guy comes up and talks to you, his girlfriend immediately comes up and monitors the conversation, pulling him away at the first opportunity. Then, when you are the porn star, you can silently chuckle to yourself, thinking how you've been paid to fuck guys that were twice as hot and often twice as smart as the poor guy stuck with the insecure bitch.

Interestingly enough, when you are the porn star, even though you are percieved as the seductress it is most often the other men (and sometimes women) who are throwing themselves at you, having seen your videos and wanting a piece of you, and it is usually YOU, the pornstar, wondering why it's so difficult to find someone to have an intellectual conversation with, and someone who can think about something other than sex for a change of pace.

Interestingly enough, when you are the pornstar, everyone assumes that anyone who you hang out with is your fuck buddy, while interestingly enough, when you are a porn star, only 25% of the people you hang out with are fuck buddies, and they are usually attractive or super cool or edgy, and just as skilled in the arts of the boudoir as yourself.

Interestingly enough, oftentimes the women who are calling you a dirty slut and a whore behind your back are slutting it up in private, except that they didn't bother to ask them to get STD tests before hand or use condoms, since they assume that they and their partners are safe, since they don't do porn.

Interestingly enough, it is YOU, the porn star, who are so low maintenance that you leave the house after washing your face, putting on a little lotion, and perhaps some loose powder, scorning any makeup that is un-necessary, and manage to tossle your bedhead hair and put it in a ponytail without styling it and still look amazingly hot, yet also carry on a sophisticated conversation regarding current events and worldy topics, and manage to be the pioneer who follows your own ideas about sexual morality.

Yes... interestingly enough, it is the porn star who quite understands just what other women are threatened by, and this is exactly why she can be calm in the face of all sorts of viscious and spiteful behavior, knowing that the attacks stem from insecurity and hateful feelings. Hash Tag -- unlock the Zen.

Monday, July 28, 2014


Thanks to my friend PANDORA in Las Vegas for bringing it to my attention that I was Published in the Volume 3, Issue #1 publication of Fetish Bazaar! I never knew this until just recently. Following are some of the photos from the magazine, which is now out of print. (I'm the one in the pink wig, in case you can't tell...)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Photos from my travels and experiences

Over the years, I have been lucky to do quite a bit of traveling, including every country in Western Europe, as far east as Greece and Croatia, Hong Kong, different provinces in India, including Rajasthan, Kerala, and Goa, with a brief stop in Mumbai, Mexico, the Carribean, and all major cities in the US.  I've decided to publish a few photos... given the public interest.  Also, it's nice to see myself wearing some clothing occasionally.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Ca$h Feti$h

I do have to say, that there aren't a whole lot of jobs that allow you to make thousands of dollars in ca$h per week.  Overall I was pretty responsible, and paid my rent and school expenses before I bothered spending money on clothing.  I noticed that I had much different spending habits that some of the other girls in the biz.  Like most of the girls I knew would like to shop when they had extra money, but other than some key pieces, stilettos, a nice corset, lingere, that I would wear at shoots, I preferred to spend my extra money on electronic equipment (the top of the line phone, which at that time was a Nokia, and a tiny DVD-r camera that I figured out how to hook up to my laptop so I could do streams,) trips (to local places like Vegas, San Fransisco, and Burning Man,) and a car.  Ironically, although I would deliberate for days before buying a pair of nice shoes, my Eclipse convertible was something of an impulse buy.  At the time I was driving a black Saturn, and one day it made some strange noises and just broke down somewhere in Santa Monica, and I wandered onto a car lot, when I salesman came up to me and offered a test drive.  I knew from the moment I put my hands on it that it was the one.  The oversteer, the way it handled when I gave it some gas, and of course, that way it looked.  There's no feeling at all like driving a convertible down PCH, smelling the sage brush and the Spanish broom.  I didn't even think that I had good enough credit to qualify, but that day I drove off the lot in my dream car, at an age when some kids are still living at home scrounging up money for a keg.  My first road trip was to Vegas, with my gay buddy Eric, via highway 15 so I could really test out it's capabilities.  It's not that I don't like to spend money on clothes, it's just that they're a bit lower on my priority list.  I was content to wear jeans and second hand shirts from "Out of the Closet" without giving it a second thought.  If I had a few extra grand I paid off my credit card.   Here's a photo of my baby with my bud at the wheel.  We were in San Fransisco for a party on NYE.  His face has been blurred, for the simple reason that some people are sick.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster-ette

 Photo take at Hedonism II in Jamaica, 2004

I've experienced jealousy for most of my life, including in high school.  In once instance, I remember that I girl on my geography bowl team became jealous because I got ten points higher than her on a test.  I could see how the look on her face changed the minute that she saw my score, and she actually became so angry that she literally walked away from me in the middle of a conversation.  Still, although there were definitely pockets of intense jealousy, including one instance from a close friend, who tried to turn my other friends against me, I experienced mostly good will until I began doing adult work, and sort of "blossomed" in a sense.  I came from a conservative background, and had always dressed very conservatively, for the most part, until I began doing adult modeling and film.  I noticed that women would get very nervous when I talked to their boyfriends at parties and social gatherings, and would pull their boyfriends away from me, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, even though I had experienced no attraction to these guys at all, and my intentions were entirely platonic.  Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter how I'm dressed, or whether I'm entirely covered up or wearing a mini skirt, to show off my long, nicely toned legs, I still seem to elicit the same response, and I'm realizing, it's because of my intelligence.  I think that being both attractive AND smart (not to mention athletic) is too much for other women.  If a woman is smart but unattractive, other women can tell themselves that the rival may have some good qualities, but she's deficient in some way, so that they can still feel good about themselves.  And of course, if you're already in a relationship with a powerful male, that doesn't stop the jealousy.  The reason is, that sexual jealousy comes from insecurity on the part of the jealous person, and is often wrapped up with envy of the other person's talents, connections, or social position.


Photo of me in my Thai Kwon Do ghee at 19 y.o.

I had finally made green level at my Muay Thai gym, and I asked the father of my kids, who is a real estate investor here in NYC, to watch them on Mondays and Tuesdays, so that I could take the touch sparring class, which is only offered once a week.  I've been doing private training, because my goal is, eventually, to fight.  I was placed with a woman who had always been a little catty with me, but standing face to face with her, her whole body language changed.  Her face became tense, and she pursed her lips.  She glared at me, and although we began with a drill using only our neat hand and leg, she began pelting me with punches with both hands, to the point where even the coach came over and asked her why she was landing punches on my head.  It was only my second touch sparring class ever, but knowing the character of this woman, I guess I wasn't surprised at the way she responded.  I noticed that she kept looking around, as if wanting confirmation that other people would see "how great she was compared to me."   She kept telling me how she was going to "punch me in the face" and I came back with, "I know you've got a little chip on your shoulder, but you'll have to deal with it."  And a funny thing happened.  Instead of becoming angry, her entire face fell and her eyes opened wide.  It was as if she had come to some realization about herself that pained her.  Shortly after that, I finished her off with a fake out round house kick to the head.  She was humiliated!  The difference in touch sparring with men and touch sparring with women is that the men are chivalrous generally, women will try to one-up you.

One thing that I've learned in my life is to roll with the punches, protect yourself at all times, but wait for the right time to retaliate.  I've always been the ultimate survivor, independent from an early age, determined, and self aware.  It can be really hard when women are extremely hateful to you behind-your-back-in-front-of-your-face, but having had years of validation regarding my looks and talents, and the fact that I am both self and other-aware, has helped me to understand that the acts against me have nothing to do with who I am, but with who they are.  In most cases, the harassment that I have received comes from women who have no idea who I am, and who have never had a conversation with me.  I had to overcome some very difficult things in my life, including dealing with a dysfunctional family, a mood disorder, and some accidents, including one which caused me to be transported in an ambulance to the hospital, which left me with some nasty sequelae from a hematoma to the back of the head (partial anosmia.)  I think that the fact that none of the attacks seem to phase me just incites the others more.




Huff Post on Jealousy

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Big Fake Tits

I'm always amazed at what I learn about myself just from typing my name into google.  It was only a few months after I shot my first scene with Ed Powers that I was doing an interview wiht some woman from a British organization, when she aksed me rather pointedly how I had liked my boob job.  She told me that she had read somewhere on the internet that I had had a some work done, and I started laughing, finding this bit of misinformation hilarious for some reason.  I was a little bewildered... I knew that most people looked at my breasts and automatically assumed that they were fake, and I usually took it as a compliment, kind of like an "oh, they're too good to be true" sort of thing.  I have to admit, that looking back at my old photos, my breasts look pretty damn good.  At the time, I attributed my perkiness to the fact that I wore a lot of sports bras for comfort.  I swore up and down that only a few months of sports bras could lift even the saggiest of tits, however, after breastfeeding two babies and still having pretty nice boobies, I've finally chalked it up to just really great genetics.   Having been in the industry for a bit of time,  and immersed in a culture where women would walk on the set and ask each other how many cc's they'd had and feel each other up for comparison, I learned that breast jobs, woven in hair extensions, teeth whitening treatments and even full sets of fake teeth were sometimes the standard, not to mention tatooed eye and lip liner.  I had never had a steam facial, a bikini wax, or acrylic nails before I entered the business, but when I found out it was a tax write off, I began seeing a woman regularly for electrolysis, facials, and bikini waxes.  I even splurged on professional hair coloring, although the majority of the time I found it easier, more time saving, and convenient to single process my hair at home.  I got my nails done twice a month, so yes, I took pretty good care of myself, although I never saw the need for any kind of surgery.  I've even been asked if I had gluteal implants!!!  Thankfully, I was blessed with a nice set of teeth without requiring braces, and a fast metabolism which allowed me to drink a couple of martinis once in a while and still maintain my svelte figure.  Pole dancing helped me keep toned also, and of course, wild sex, which burns quite a lot of calories.  On and off I've considered getting my nose "sculpted" but generally, I've appreciated my body, and I think quite a few other people do as well.