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Monday, July 28, 2014


Thanks to my friend PANDORA in Las Vegas for bringing it to my attention that I was Published in the Volume 3, Issue #1 publication of Fetish Bazaar! I never knew this until just recently. Following are some of the photos from the magazine, which is now out of print. (I'm the one in the pink wig, in case you can't tell...)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Photos from my travels and experiences

Over the years, I have been lucky to do quite a bit of traveling, including every country in Western Europe, as far east as Greece and Croatia, Hong Kong, different provinces in India, including Rajasthan, Kerala, and Goa, with a brief stop in Mumbai, Mexico, the Carribean, and all major cities in the US.  I've decided to publish a few photos... given the public interest.  Also, it's nice to see myself wearing some clothing occasionally.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Ca$h Feti$h

I do have to say, that there aren't a whole lot of jobs that allow you to make thousands of dollars in ca$h per week.  Overall I was pretty responsible, and paid my rent and school expenses before I bothered spending money on clothing.  I noticed that I had much different spending habits that some of the other girls in the biz.  Like most of the girls I knew would like to shop when they had extra money, but other than some key pieces, stilettos, a nice corset, lingere, that I would wear at shoots, I preferred to spend my extra money on electronic equipment (the top of the line phone, which at that time was a Nokia, and a tiny DVD-r camera that I figured out how to hook up to my laptop so I could do streams,) trips (to local places like Vegas, San Fransisco, and Burning Man,) and a car.  Ironically, although I would deliberate for days before buying a pair of nice shoes, my Eclipse convertible was something of an impulse buy.  At the time I was driving a black Saturn, and one day it made some strange noises and just broke down somewhere in Santa Monica, and I wandered onto a car lot, when I salesman came up to me and offered a test drive.  I knew from the moment I put my hands on it that it was the one.  The oversteer, the way it handled when I gave it some gas, and of course, that way it looked.  There's no feeling at all like driving a convertible down PCH, smelling the sage brush and the Spanish broom.  I didn't even think that I had good enough credit to qualify, but that day I drove off the lot in my dream car, at an age when some kids are still living at home scrounging up money for a keg.  My first road trip was to Vegas, with my gay buddy Eric, via highway 15 so I could really test out it's capabilities.  It's not that I don't like to spend money on clothes, it's just that they're a bit lower on my priority list.  I was content to wear jeans and second hand shirts from "Out of the Closet" without giving it a second thought.  If I had a few extra grand I paid off my credit card.   Here's a photo of my baby with my bud at the wheel.  We were in San Fransisco for a party on NYE.  His face has been blurred, for the simple reason that some people are sick.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster-ette

 Photo take at Hedonism II in Jamaica, 2004

I've experienced jealousy for most of my life, including in high school.  In once instance, I remember that I girl on my geography bowl team became jealous because I got ten points higher than her on a test.  I could see how the look on her face changed the minute that she saw my score, and she actually became so angry that she literally walked away from me in the middle of a conversation.  Still, although there were definitely pockets of intense jealousy, including one instance from a close friend, who tried to turn my other friends against me, I experienced mostly good will until I began doing adult work, and sort of "blossomed" in a sense.  I came from a conservative background, and had always dressed very conservatively, for the most part, until I began doing adult modeling and film.  I noticed that women would get very nervous when I talked to their boyfriends at parties and social gatherings, and would pull their boyfriends away from me, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, even though I had experienced no attraction to these guys at all, and my intentions were entirely platonic.  Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter how I'm dressed, or whether I'm entirely covered up or wearing a mini skirt, to show off my long, nicely toned legs, I still seem to elicit the same response, and I'm realizing, it's because of my intelligence.  I think that being both attractive AND smart (not to mention athletic) is too much for other women.  If a woman is smart but unattractive, other women can tell themselves that the rival may have some good qualities, but she's deficient in some way, so that they can still feel good about themselves.  And of course, if you're already in a relationship with a powerful male, that doesn't stop the jealousy.  The reason is, that sexual jealousy comes from insecurity on the part of the jealous person, and is often wrapped up with envy of the other person's talents, connections, or social position.


Photo of me in my Thai Kwon Do ghee at 19 y.o.

I had finally made green level at my Muay Thai gym, and I asked the father of my kids, who is a real estate investor here in NYC, to watch them on Mondays and Tuesdays, so that I could take the touch sparring class, which is only offered once a week.  I've been doing private training, because my goal is, eventually, to fight.  I was placed with a woman who had always been a little catty with me, but standing face to face with her, her whole body language changed.  Her face became tense, and she pursed her lips.  She glared at me, and although we began with a drill using only our neat hand and leg, she began pelting me with punches with both hands, to the point where even the coach came over and asked her why she was landing punches on my head.  It was only my second touch sparring class ever, but knowing the character of this woman, I guess I wasn't surprised at the way she responded.  I noticed that she kept looking around, as if wanting confirmation that other people would see "how great she was compared to me."   She kept telling me how she was going to "punch me in the face" and I came back with, "I know you've got a little chip on your shoulder, but you'll have to deal with it."  And a funny thing happened.  Instead of becoming angry, her entire face fell and her eyes opened wide.  It was as if she had come to some realization about herself that pained her.  Shortly after that, I finished her off with a fake out round house kick to the head.  She was humiliated!  The difference in touch sparring with men and touch sparring with women is that the men are chivalrous generally, women will try to one-up you.

One thing that I've learned in my life is to roll with the punches, protect yourself at all times, but wait for the right time to retaliate.  I've always been the ultimate survivor, independent from an early age, determined, and self aware.  It can be really hard when women are extremely hateful to you behind-your-back-in-front-of-your-face, but having had years of validation regarding my looks and talents, and the fact that I am both self and other-aware, has helped me to understand that the acts against me have nothing to do with who I am, but with who they are.  In most cases, the harassment that I have received comes from women who have no idea who I am, and who have never had a conversation with me.  I had to overcome some very difficult things in my life, including dealing with a dysfunctional family, a mood disorder, and some accidents, including one which caused me to be transported in an ambulance to the hospital, which left me with some nasty sequelae from a hematoma to the back of the head (partial anosmia.)  I think that the fact that none of the attacks seem to phase me just incites the others more.




Huff Post on Jealousy

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Big Fake Tits

I'm always amazed at what I learn about myself just from typing my name into google.  It was only a few months after I shot my first scene with Ed Powers that I was doing an interview wiht some woman from a British organization, when she aksed me rather pointedly how I had liked my boob job.  She told me that she had read somewhere on the internet that I had had a some work done, and I started laughing, finding this bit of misinformation hilarious for some reason.  I was a little bewildered... I knew that most people looked at my breasts and automatically assumed that they were fake, and I usually took it as a compliment, kind of like an "oh, they're too good to be true" sort of thing.  I have to admit, that looking back at my old photos, my breasts look pretty damn good.  At the time, I attributed my perkiness to the fact that I wore a lot of sports bras for comfort.  I swore up and down that only a few months of sports bras could lift even the saggiest of tits, however, after breastfeeding two babies and still having pretty nice boobies, I've finally chalked it up to just really great genetics.   Having been in the industry for a bit of time,  and immersed in a culture where women would walk on the set and ask each other how many cc's they'd had and feel each other up for comparison, I learned that breast jobs, woven in hair extensions, teeth whitening treatments and even full sets of fake teeth were sometimes the standard, not to mention tatooed eye and lip liner.  I had never had a steam facial, a bikini wax, or acrylic nails before I entered the business, but when I found out it was a tax write off, I began seeing a woman regularly for electrolysis, facials, and bikini waxes.  I even splurged on professional hair coloring, although the majority of the time I found it easier, more time saving, and convenient to single process my hair at home.  I got my nails done twice a month, so yes, I took pretty good care of myself, although I never saw the need for any kind of surgery.  I've even been asked if I had gluteal implants!!!  Thankfully, I was blessed with a nice set of teeth without requiring braces, and a fast metabolism which allowed me to drink a couple of martinis once in a while and still maintain my svelte figure.  Pole dancing helped me keep toned also, and of course, wild sex, which burns quite a lot of calories.  On and off I've considered getting my nose "sculpted" but generally, I've appreciated my body, and I think quite a few other people do as well.



Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Too queer for queers

I was talking with a female friend recently, and the we got on the topic of gender and sexual identity.  She described herself unabashedly as "too queer even for queer people to identify with."  The label "queer" has gone from a derrogatory slur once used for homosexuals to a proud badge of honor used by people who are mostly gay and flamoyantly androgynous, but in a very fashionable, hipsterish way.  So what if you're not exactly gay or lesbian, but feel that the term "bisexual" with it's connotations or large orgies and group sex doesn't describe you either?  What if you're attracted to the opposite sex, but your psychological gender doesn't fit that which would be expected given your biology?  I've identified as "bisexual" since I was 18 years old and still in high school.  I came out to two or three people who I trusted at the time not to spread it around, at a phase in my life when I had not even had sex yet.  I've always felt different, and my earliest sexual fantasies date back to my childhood when I was 8 years old.  I knew from an early age that I liked women, but it wasn't until one specific relationship that I was able to fall utterly in love.  And this person was male.  Well...sort of. 

Our relationship dynamic was quite interesting, since I played the emotionally "male" role, and he played the stereotypically "female" role, reminding me of romantic holidays like valentine's day so that I would not forget, drawing me in to long, intense conversations about our feelings, while I was the one who could be cruelly insensitive at times at grab his fake tits inappropriately at clubs, as pictured in this photo, taken at club motherfucker while on a trip to NYC in the year 2000.    And yet, in spite of being so different, we shared so many similarities, and even, in some cases, our wardrobe!  We were the dynamic duo of kinkdom, braving every goth club, bondage ball, and sex club worth visiting within a 300 mile radius.  To the average observer during the day, we were a straight couple, and I guess, if you are only looking for the XX, XY pairing, one penis and one vagina, that would be true.  Being queer is weird.  It's harder to define you.  Online dating is complicated.  Am I a female searching for a male this time?   Or do I have to create two separate profiles?  Should I list myself as gay because everyone knows that gay women do not date bisexuals?  Should I bring up the fact that I like to fuck cock too, or would that just be too much of a turn off?  Being queer means learning how to have sex with many different types of bodies, and learning that just because someone has a penis, doesn't mean they like to be treated like a man.  I've been fascinated with some of the biological science behind gender, and I've found out recently that I have many physical traits, including the shape of my face, which might classify me biologically as androgynous, however, I'm also deeply in touch with my feminine side as well.  I almost feel that "butches" or "femmes" have it much easier.  When your mind and behavior doesn't always match your body, subliminally, whether people admit it to themselves or identify it or not, it is uncomfortable and shocking for them.

Here's a photo of me and D rockin' a red dress.  Double take, here's me rockin' that same dress that I borrowed from him.


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Some of my most extreme scenes


As a Porn Star, I was known for extreme sex and BDSM. I was undaunted by almost anything, and I took everything in stride. I couldn't believe that I was able to make an amazing living by living out some of my greatest fantasies. Some of it I loved, some of it I hated, but it was always about the adventure. At 21 years old, I felt almost invincible. Here they are: a few of my more extreme scenes. I hand selected the ones that I thought were the hotest (after all, just because it's extreme doesn't necessarily mean it's hot.)

American Bukkake 8- I did this film very early on, and it actually attracted Howard Stern's attention. He actually wanted to have me as a guest on his show, but I ended up having a personal dispute with one of the executives at J/M and I decided not to go on the show. At that time, I didn't think I would be in the adult biz for very long. I was a full time student, and had gotten into a spot where I needed some quick cash. I had worked as a nude dancer and a live chat girl, but my senior year of college, I moved in with PJ Sparxx, who had been a former vivid/wicked girl and she introduced me to the adult industry by telling me about her films and introducing me to a few of her friends, including Holly Wood and Claressa Sauvage. At the time when I did this film, I don't think I fully understood that it was supposed to be humiliating. I was lucky enough to have been doing the "cum bong" scene and almost none of the guys actually came in my face. It was only after seeing the film that I realized what I had done. Although I enjoy what I like to call "roughage" during sex sometimes, I'm not really into humiliation of any kind, although I did do it for films. I think the reason I was able to do it and kind of laugh it off is that I have a very strong sense of myself as a person, and that I have a very good handle of what my personal strengths are, so I saw the role play I did for films as just that: A ROLE. As a bottom, I would describe myself as having more masochistic tendencies than submissive ones. I've been highly independent from an early age, consider myself a strong person, and have utter disdain for people who make snap judgements about what type of person they think I should be based on my history. 

Mr. 18 and the First Timers-The producer of this called me up and tried to play down the gargantuan proportions of his penis. Most of the time, he said, he doesn't get all the way hard. Well, he managed to get so hard for me, that the loss of blood from his brain made him dizzy, and I managed to take a good 14 inches deep inside of me. This was one of my favorite extreme scenes, and one of the scenes that I am most emailed about.  I will say though, that due to his extreme size, the sex scene progresses very slowly at first.  The best part is at the very end, when I've finally relaxed and warmed up a bit, so that he could deeply penetrate me. TRIVIA: In order to be able to take that size of a penis I had to go off camera and relax my vaginal muscles with a large sized toy. After about ten or so minutes, I was able to go back and finish the scene. It actually felt pretty good!  

Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum 4 (I have a copy that says number 5, but an online videography lists it as 4). Hate the title of this film, but loved the sex. I played a naughty school girl who was picked up off the street, taken home, and given and double penetrated. It was amazing sex, and as I've seen this particular film, I can vouch for it's hotness. EVERY SINGLE SCENE of this film is well done, as opposed to some other films, in which some of the scenes are uninspired and the girls or guys are unattractive.

Love Hurts- This was a sexy porn and fetish melange film Directed by Carlos Batts. TRIVIA: Shots of me from this film, as well as some other shots, are published in his photography book "Crazy, Sexy Hollywood." In this film, I played an escapee from a mental hospital in the future. There is a pretty good sex scene, but the highlight is the bondage scene at the end. This scene was originally supposed to be performed by a fetish girl named Carly, a redhead who also appears in Crazy Sexy Hollywood in a photo with me, Kendra Jade, and Candy Apples. However, she was unable to make the shoot that day and so I took her place. It was incredibly intense, and two writers who were on set from Hustler's Video Review became perturbed. Most people are unable to understand the art of power-exchange, and that everything is consensual, and that I could have safe-worded at any time. I've always been an extreme experience seeker, whether it was for the fastest roller coasters, cliff diving in Jamaica (yes, I was the one who dove in head first in the zebra print bikini), scuba diving, para-sailing, texas hold'em, or kickboxing. For some reason, although I admit to having experimented with recreational substances in the past, I was never a habitual user or an addict. I describe my risk taking style as "calculated."  

Still Crazy After All These Whores- Actually, I haven't chosen this scene because I thought the sex scenes were hot, because actually, they were just okay. What makes this film interesting is that there is an orgy with me, another female, my then-boyfriend dressed in drag, and another guy. I have always been open about the fact that I like women as well as men, and so this scene represents the fullfillment of one of my ultimate fantasies. I had amazing experiences with group sex in my twenties, but as I've grown older, I prefer to be in relationships that are "poly committed" meaning that I have several partners that I have on going relationships with, and of course, I am (and always have been) very committed to the use of barriers and other safe sex aids.  


Real Sessions 1: Modifying Gia- This is one of my best films, and it was actually pick of the month by AVN magazine.  It's got everything: (pretend) forced intox, mummifications, sadism, extreme pain, gorgeous redheads and cute blonde bottoms ;). TRIVIA: I had met Mistress Gemini when I attended this cheesy party put on by the Rennaisance Faire Crew which was held at a Castle in the Hollywood Hills. She had been booked as some of the entertainment, and we came into the room and began using some of the equipment. Mistress Gemini became upset that we had picked up the equipment without asking, but when we asked her if she would use the equipment, she agreed, and she did give me quite an ass whooping! : ) I went on to have an ongoing relationship with Mistress Gemini, even outside of our film work together. I went to parties at her home in Beverly Hills, and she used me on several occasions for demos at LA Bondage Ball. (I also did some some demos with a group called Severe Society, with Sir Nik and Mistress Erzebet.)


BDSM Survivor- Another film I enjoyed doing because the chemistry was already good.  I played with Mistress Gemini regularly, and the "host" of the show was my then boyfriend, Damien.  He had actually come up with the concept and pitched it to owners of a production studio that we had done previous films with.  Admittedly, there is some pretty bad acting in this film, like in the scene where I pretend to gag on fake pee (gatorade).  A lot of people wonder how that scene was done, since a real pissing scene would have violated the state obscenity laws.  The camera man rigged up a drinking backpack behind the throne and filled it up.  Gemini pressed the button when she needed to "pee."  The crew filmed it so that the could produce the footage in case there were legal problems.  I  had agreed before hand to "lose" the survivor contest, but as it turned out, the other girl didn't want to do the champagne enema at the end, so I had to "win" to save the contest.  As it turned out, I only took about a cup of champagne, and expulsed it almost immediately (too soon to get smashed ; ) TRIVIA:  I have been in numerous scenes with Damien, both BDSM and sex scenes.

Transexual Gang Bangers 8-  I think the name of this pretty much says it all.  Cute 23 year old blonde is seduced by 3 trans women and fucked in an orgiastic display of carnal sexuality.  Transwomen are, for me, a very interesting combination of the masculine and the feminine.  I beautiful woman with a nice piece of equipment can be the ultimate fantasy, and I've always had an appreciation for cute androgyny.  As it is, although I have a very feminine body, I've known since I was a little girl that I was mentally androgynous.  I didn't feel that I thought about things the way that other girls did, and I often find myself playing the more stereo typical male role when with other women in social situations, so I can relate the the whole concept of gender bending.   TRIVIA:  I have been in several other films with Transwomen, including one with Gia Darling, a very famous Trans porn star.




Behind the Whip with Ilsa Strix- Last but not least, this was one of my personal favorite scenes to have performed in (admittedly I still haven't seen my scene from this film, so I don't know how it looks on camera.) I had seen some of Ilsa's films before going to her private dungeon in the warehouse district in downtown LA for the shoot, and was very excited to work with her, as she was widely respected as one of the top Dommes in the world at the time.  There was a scene in which she created a beautiful rope corset on one of the girls in the film, and subsequently suspended her in rope bondage.  I was strapped to the floor underneath her, an interesting way to play off energies.  In my scene, Ilsa placed industrial strength clamps on my outer labia.  At that time that was a first for me.




I get asked a lot if I enjoyed everything I did on film, and the answer is definitely, most positively, NO.  There were definitely some scene that I look back on and cringe, with co-stars who showed up drunk or under the influence and did things on film that hadn't been negotiated, male co-stars who couldn't get it up,  or just people in the scene that I had bad chemistry with.  Although I would say that I had 70% good experiences with really cool people who loved sex as much as I did, there were definitely some bad ones with disrespectful ass holes who were pushy, or who lied about what the scene was supposed to be like in order to get me on the set. I will say that it is really difficult to turn down anywhere between 800.00 to sometimes over 1000.00 for sex scenes once you are on the set and the cash is on the table.  I've seen very bad things happen to people I knew, particularly with regards to substance abuse.   I did worry about my personal health quite a bit, and I began working condom only, and doing less sex scenes and more bdsm, and when I started my graduate studies, I began working at a professional dungeon in West LA.  I began taking dominant sessions during my time there, and I found that I have developed more of a taste for topping than bottoming.  I have had on-going relationships with several submissives and bottoms over the past few years.