Monday, July 28, 2014
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Over the years, I have been lucky to do quite a bit of traveling, including every country in Western Europe, as far east as Greece and Croatia, Hong Kong, different provinces in India, including Rajasthan, Kerala, and Goa, with a brief stop in Mumbai, Mexico, the Carribean, and all major cities in the US. I've decided to publish a few photos... given the public interest. Also, it's nice to see myself wearing some clothing occasionally.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Photo take at Hedonism II in Jamaica, 2004
I've experienced jealousy for most of my life, including in high school. In once instance, I remember that I girl on my geography bowl team became jealous because I got ten points higher than her on a test. I could see how the look on her face changed the minute that she saw my score, and she actually became so angry that she literally walked away from me in the middle of a conversation. Still, although there were definitely pockets of intense jealousy, including one instance from a close friend, who tried to turn my other friends against me, I experienced mostly good will until I began doing adult work, and sort of "blossomed" in a sense. I came from a conservative background, and had always dressed very conservatively, for the most part, until I began doing adult modeling and film. I noticed that women would get very nervous when I talked to their boyfriends at parties and social gatherings, and would pull their boyfriends away from me, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, even though I had experienced no attraction to these guys at all, and my intentions were entirely platonic. Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter how I'm dressed, or whether I'm entirely covered up or wearing a mini skirt, to show off my long, nicely toned legs, I still seem to elicit the same response, and I'm realizing, it's because of my intelligence. I think that being both attractive AND smart (not to mention athletic) is too much for other women. If a woman is smart but unattractive, other women can tell themselves that the rival may have some good qualities, but she's deficient in some way, so that they can still feel good about themselves. And of course, if you're already in a relationship with a powerful male, that doesn't stop the jealousy. The reason is, that sexual jealousy comes from insecurity on the part of the jealous person, and is often wrapped up with envy of the other person's talents, connections, or social position.
Photo of me in my Thai Kwon Do ghee at 19 y.o.
One thing that I've learned in my life is to roll with the punches, protect yourself at all times, but wait for the right time to retaliate. I've always been the ultimate survivor, independent from an early age, determined, and self aware. It can be really hard when women are extremely hateful to you behind-your-back-in-front-of-your-face, but having had years of validation regarding my looks and talents, and the fact that I am both self and other-aware, has helped me to understand that the acts against me have nothing to do with who I am, but with who they are. In most cases, the harassment that I have received comes from women who have no idea who I am, and who have never had a conversation with me. I had to overcome some very difficult things in my life, including dealing with a dysfunctional family, a mood disorder, and some accidents, including one which caused me to be transported in an ambulance to the hospital, which left me with some nasty sequelae from a hematoma to the back of the head (partial anosmia.) I think that the fact that none of the attacks seem to phase me just incites the others more.
Huff Post on Jealousy
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I'm always amazed at what I learn about myself just from typing my name into google. It was only a few months after I shot my first scene with Ed Powers that I was doing an interview wiht some woman from a British organization, when she aksed me rather pointedly how I had liked my boob job. She told me that she had read somewhere on the internet that I had had a some work done, and I started laughing, finding this bit of misinformation hilarious for some reason. I was a little bewildered... I knew that most people looked at my breasts and automatically assumed that they were fake, and I usually took it as a compliment, kind of like an "oh, they're too good to be true" sort of thing. I have to admit, that looking back at my old photos, my breasts look pretty damn good. At the time, I attributed my perkiness to the fact that I wore a lot of sports bras for comfort. I swore up and down that only a few months of sports bras could lift even the saggiest of tits, however, after breastfeeding two babies and still having pretty nice boobies, I've finally chalked it up to just really great genetics. Having been in the industry for a bit of time, and immersed in a culture where women would walk on the set and ask each other how many cc's they'd had and feel each other up for comparison, I learned that breast jobs, woven in hair extensions, teeth whitening treatments and even full sets of fake teeth were sometimes the standard, not to mention tatooed eye and lip liner. I had never had a steam facial, a bikini wax, or acrylic nails before I entered the business, but when I found out it was a tax write off, I began seeing a woman regularly for electrolysis, facials, and bikini waxes. I even splurged on professional hair coloring, although the majority of the time I found it easier, more time saving, and convenient to single process my hair at home. I got my nails done twice a month, so yes, I took pretty good care of myself, although I never saw the need for any kind of surgery. I've even been asked if I had gluteal implants!!! Thankfully, I was blessed with a nice set of teeth without requiring braces, and a fast metabolism which allowed me to drink a couple of martinis once in a while and still maintain my svelte figure. Pole dancing helped me keep toned also, and of course, wild sex, which burns quite a lot of calories. On and off I've considered getting my nose "sculpted" but generally, I've appreciated my body, and I think quite a few other people do as well.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
American Bukkake 8- I did this film very early on, and it actually attracted Howard Stern's attention. He actually wanted to have me as a guest on his show, but I ended up having a personal dispute with one of the executives at J/M and I decided not to go on the show. At that time, I didn't think I would be in the adult biz for very long. I was a full time student, and had gotten into a spot where I needed some quick cash. I had worked as a nude dancer and a live chat girl, but my senior year of college, I moved in with PJ Sparxx, who had been a former vivid/wicked girl and she introduced me to the adult industry by telling me about her films and introducing me to a few of her friends, including Holly Wood and Claressa Sauvage. At the time when I did this film, I don't think I fully understood that it was supposed to be humiliating. I was lucky enough to have been doing the "cum bong" scene and almost none of the guys actually came in my face. It was only after seeing the film that I realized what I had done. Although I enjoy what I like to call "roughage" during sex sometimes, I'm not really into humiliation of any kind, although I did do it for films. I think the reason I was able to do it and kind of laugh it off is that I have a very strong sense of myself as a person, and that I have a very good handle of what my personal strengths are, so I saw the role play I did for films as just that: A ROLE. As a bottom, I would describe myself as having more masochistic tendencies than submissive ones. I've been highly independent from an early age, consider myself a strong person, and have utter disdain for people who make snap judgements about what type of person they think I should be based on my history.
Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum 4 (I have a copy that says number 5, but an online videography lists it as 4). Hate the title of this film, but loved the sex. I played a naughty school girl who was picked up off the street, taken home, and given and double penetrated. It was amazing sex, and as I've seen this particular film, I can vouch for it's hotness. EVERY SINGLE SCENE of this film is well done, as opposed to some other films, in which some of the scenes are uninspired and the girls or guys are unattractive.
Love Hurts- This was a sexy porn and fetish melange film Directed by Carlos Batts. TRIVIA: Shots of me from this film, as well as some other shots, are published in his photography book "Crazy, Sexy Hollywood." In this film, I played an escapee from a mental hospital in the future. There is a pretty good sex scene, but the highlight is the bondage scene at the end. This scene was originally supposed to be performed by a fetish girl named Carly, a redhead who also appears in Crazy Sexy Hollywood in a photo with me, Kendra Jade, and Candy Apples. However, she was unable to make the shoot that day and so I took her place. It was incredibly intense, and two writers who were on set from Hustler's Video Review became perturbed. Most people are unable to understand the art of power-exchange, and that everything is consensual, and that I could have safe-worded at any time. I've always been an extreme experience seeker, whether it was for the fastest roller coasters, cliff diving in Jamaica (yes, I was the one who dove in head first in the zebra print bikini), scuba diving, para-sailing, texas hold'em, or kickboxing. For some reason, although I admit to having experimented with recreational substances in the past, I was never a habitual user or an addict. I describe my risk taking style as "calculated."
Still Crazy After All These Whores- Actually, I haven't chosen this scene because I thought the sex scenes were hot, because actually, they were just okay. What makes this film interesting is that there is an orgy with me, another female, my then-boyfriend dressed in drag, and another guy. I have always been open about the fact that I like women as well as men, and so this scene represents the fullfillment of one of my ultimate fantasies. I had amazing experiences with group sex in my twenties, but as I've grown older, I prefer to be in relationships that are "poly committed" meaning that I have several partners that I have on going relationships with, and of course, I am (and always have been) very committed to the use of barriers and other safe sex aids.
Real Sessions 1: Modifying Gia- This is one of my best films, and it was actually pick of the month by AVN magazine. It's got everything: (pretend) forced intox, mummifications, sadism, extreme pain, gorgeous redheads and cute blonde bottoms ;). TRIVIA: I had met Mistress Gemini when I attended this cheesy party put on by the Rennaisance Faire Crew which was held at a Castle in the Hollywood Hills. She had been booked as some of the entertainment, and we came into the room and began using some of the equipment. Mistress Gemini became upset that we had picked up the equipment without asking, but when we asked her if she would use the equipment, she agreed, and she did give me quite an ass whooping! : ) I went on to have an ongoing relationship with Mistress Gemini, even outside of our film work together. I went to parties at her home in Beverly Hills, and she used me on several occasions for demos at LA Bondage Ball. (I also did some some demos with a group called Severe Society, with Sir Nik and Mistress Erzebet.)
BDSM Survivor- Another film I enjoyed doing because the chemistry was already good. I played with Mistress Gemini regularly, and the "host" of the show was my then boyfriend, Damien. He had actually come up with the concept and pitched it to owners of a production studio that we had done previous films with. Admittedly, there is some pretty bad acting in this film, like in the scene where I pretend to gag on fake pee (gatorade). A lot of people wonder how that scene was done, since a real pissing scene would have violated the state obscenity laws. The camera man rigged up a drinking backpack behind the throne and filled it up. Gemini pressed the button when she needed to "pee." The crew filmed it so that the could produce the footage in case there were legal problems. I had agreed before hand to "lose" the survivor contest, but as it turned out, the other girl didn't want to do the champagne enema at the end, so I had to "win" to save the contest. As it turned out, I only took about a cup of champagne, and expulsed it almost immediately (too soon to get smashed ; ) TRIVIA: I have been in numerous scenes with Damien, both BDSM and sex scenes.
Transexual Gang Bangers 8- I think the name of this pretty much says it all. Cute 23 year old blonde is seduced by 3 trans women and fucked in an orgiastic display of carnal sexuality. Transwomen are, for me, a very interesting combination of the masculine and the feminine. I beautiful woman with a nice piece of equipment can be the ultimate fantasy, and I've always had an appreciation for cute androgyny. As it is, although I have a very feminine body, I've known since I was a little girl that I was mentally androgynous. I didn't feel that I thought about things the way that other girls did, and I often find myself playing the more stereo typical male role when with other women in social situations, so I can relate the the whole concept of gender bending. TRIVIA: I have been in several other films with Transwomen, including one with Gia Darling, a very famous Trans porn star.
Behind the Whip with Ilsa Strix- Last but not least, this was one of my personal favorite scenes to have performed in (admittedly I still haven't seen my scene from this film, so I don't know how it looks on camera.) I had seen some of Ilsa's films before going to her private dungeon in the warehouse district in downtown LA for the shoot, and was very excited to work with her, as she was widely respected as one of the top Dommes in the world at the time. There was a scene in which she created a beautiful rope corset on one of the girls in the film, and subsequently suspended her in rope bondage. I was strapped to the floor underneath her, an interesting way to play off energies. In my scene, Ilsa placed industrial strength clamps on my outer labia. At that time that was a first for me.
I get asked a lot if I enjoyed everything I did on film, and the answer is definitely, most positively, NO. There were definitely some scene that I look back on and cringe, with co-stars who showed up drunk or under the influence and did things on film that hadn't been negotiated, male co-stars who couldn't get it up, or just people in the scene that I had bad chemistry with. Although I would say that I had 70% good experiences with really cool people who loved sex as much as I did, there were definitely some bad ones with disrespectful ass holes who were pushy, or who lied about what the scene was supposed to be like in order to get me on the set. I will say that it is really difficult to turn down anywhere between 800.00 to sometimes over 1000.00 for sex scenes once you are on the set and the cash is on the table. I've seen very bad things happen to people I knew, particularly with regards to substance abuse. I did worry about my personal health quite a bit, and I began working condom only, and doing less sex scenes and more bdsm, and when I started my graduate studies, I began working at a professional dungeon in West LA. I began taking dominant sessions during my time there, and I found that I have developed more of a taste for topping than bottoming. I have had on-going relationships with several submissives and bottoms over the past few years.