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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster-ette

 Photo take at Hedonism II in Jamaica, 2004

I've experienced jealousy for most of my life, including in high school.  In once instance, I remember that I girl on my geography bowl team became jealous because I got ten points higher than her on a test.  I could see how the look on her face changed the minute that she saw my score, and she actually became so angry that she literally walked away from me in the middle of a conversation.  Still, although there were definitely pockets of intense jealousy, including one instance from a close friend, who tried to turn my other friends against me, I experienced mostly good will until I began doing adult work, and sort of "blossomed" in a sense.  I came from a conservative background, and had always dressed very conservatively, for the most part, until I began doing adult modeling and film.  I noticed that women would get very nervous when I talked to their boyfriends at parties and social gatherings, and would pull their boyfriends away from me, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, even though I had experienced no attraction to these guys at all, and my intentions were entirely platonic.  Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter how I'm dressed, or whether I'm entirely covered up or wearing a mini skirt, to show off my long, nicely toned legs, I still seem to elicit the same response, and I'm realizing, it's because of my intelligence.  I think that being both attractive AND smart (not to mention athletic) is too much for other women.  If a woman is smart but unattractive, other women can tell themselves that the rival may have some good qualities, but she's deficient in some way, so that they can still feel good about themselves.  And of course, if you're already in a relationship with a powerful male, that doesn't stop the jealousy.  The reason is, that sexual jealousy comes from insecurity on the part of the jealous person, and is often wrapped up with envy of the other person's talents, connections, or social position.

Gia Regency in Tae Kwon Do Gi

Photo of me in my Thai Kwon Do ghee at 19 y.o.

I had finally made green level at my Muay Thai gym, and I asked the father of my kids, who is a real estate investor here in NYC, to watch them on Mondays and Tuesdays, so that I could take the touch sparring class, which is only offered once a week.  I've been doing private training, because my goal is, eventually, to fight.  I was placed with a woman who had always been a little catty with me, but standing face to face with her, her whole body language changed.  Her face became tense, and she pursed her lips.  She glared at me, and although we began with a drill using only our neat hand and leg, she began pelting me with punches with both hands, to the point where even the coach came over and asked her why she was landing punches on my head.  It was only my second touch sparring class ever, but knowing the character of this woman, I guess I wasn't surprised at the way she responded.  I noticed that she kept looking around, as if wanting confirmation that other people would see "how great she was compared to me."   She kept telling me how she was going to "punch me in the face" and I came back with, "I know you've got a little chip on your shoulder, but you'll have to deal with it."  And a funny thing happened.  Instead of becoming angry, her entire face fell and her eyes opened wide.  It was as if she had come to some realization about herself that pained her.  Shortly after that, I finished her off with a fake out round house kick to the head.  She was humiliated!  The difference in touch sparring with men and touch sparring with women is that the men are chivalrous generally, women will try to one-up you.

One thing that I've learned in my life is to roll with the punches, protect yourself at all times, but wait for the right time to retaliate.  I've always been the ultimate survivor, independent from an early age, determined, and self aware.  It can be really hard when women are extremely hateful to you behind-your-back-in-front-of-your-face, but having had years of validation regarding my looks and talents, and the fact that I am both self and other-aware, has helped me to understand that the acts against me have nothing to do with who I am, but with who they are.  In most cases, the harassment that I have received comes from women who have no idea who I am, and who have never had a conversation with me.  I had to overcome some very difficult things in my life, including dealing with a dysfunctional family, a mood disorder, and some accidents, including one which caused me to be transported in an ambulance to the hospital, which left me with some nasty sequelae from a hematoma to the back of the head (partial anosmia.)  I think that the fact that none of the attacks seem to phase me just incites the others more.

Huff Post on Jealousy

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